THE AMITYVILLE HORROR
There are so many Amityville Horror movies in existence. There are more Amityville films than there are ghosts on this planet. That’s because nobody owns the rights to the name Amityville, and because the real-life murder this whole franchise is based on is historical, nobody can claim those rights. There are movies out there called Amityville Death House and shit. There’s even one called Amityville In Space. You can make one if you want, honestly, go for it, finish reading this and then go make Amityville On Ice.
The Amityvile we’re talking about is the 2005 one starring Ryan Reynolds and Melissa George. That’s right, Australia’s very own Melissa George. Angel from Home & Away. And at what point do you think Melissa got absolutely sick of people bringing that up in interviews? I would bet, you stick her on a live cross with the folks in the studio at Sunrise tomorrow and they’d still bring it up. I’m bringing it up now. I honestly wonder if this sort of stuff happens the globe over. A young actor from Norway makes the move to Hollywood after having starred in a local soap, and while on a press tour back in Oslo they cop: “We, of course, cannot forget your breakout role as Anders in Fjords & Family.”
As for Ryan Reynolds, more people should bring up Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place. It’s only fair. I cannot guess how many people were dedicated viewers of Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place, but I was. And when they changed the title to Two Guys and A Girl, they lost me. The ‘And a Pizza Place’ portion of the title was honestly the best part about that show.
Reynolds is completely miscast in this as a dad who starts to show murderous tendencies and wants to off his family. He’s trying very hard to be serious and scary and it does not hit because the man was born to be sarcastic. I had a quick little skim of Reynolds filmography to figure out when his ‘breakout year’ was, that moment when he all of a sudden became an A-List star. It honestly takes him so long. The man has been in some absolutely garbage films. RIPD? Self/less? Green Lantern? The Change Up? Life? Who even remembers Life?
Other than animated movies and Deadpool he’s only had three hits. A Sandra Bullock movie. A Denzel Washington movie. And Free Guy. The number of chances Hollywood will give a charming white man are endless. How many films do you think Melissa George was allowed to star in? I'll give you a hint, it's a lot less and they didn't cost half as much.
Anyway. Where were we? Oh yeah. The Amityville Horror. This movie is bad. Pretty unsurprising from a guy who also directed something called uwantme2killhim? And where would I fit into this slop? I think I could find myself on the market for a big ass house that’s going for cheap. Let’s throw George & Kathy Lutz a little competition at the open house for this creepvilla in the form of Peter Jones.
IF I WERE IN ‘THE AMITYVILLE HORROR’ I WOULD: NOT LIVE IN THAT CURSED HOUSE, BUT LIVE IN A MUCH MORE AFFORDABLE ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT WITH A MOULD PROBLEM IN THE BATHROOM AS BAD FOR ME AS ANY DEMONIC FORCE
